A day in the life of a campus activist.

7:30 am: Meet up with other activists (mostly old, judgmental Catholics) in front of the local Planned Parenthood. Spend the next two hours screaming "whore" at any young woman that walks by and is not covering 95% of her skin. Otherwise, pray the rosary and hold oversized pictures of bloody fetuses.

8:00 am: Note the sudden arrival of two unmarked Crown Vics. Wonder why individual men in suits are coming to Planned Parenthood.

9:30 am: Walk down to the classroom buildings and hook up with the LaRouche people. Force innocent passers-by to take fliers and magazines with articles written by people who are literally insane. Argue that 9/11 was a government-run stunt and that Hurricane Katrina was God smiting us for being naughty.

10:30 am: Loudly proclaim that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dick Cheney are gay lovers. Dick's on top.

10:31 am: Put down signs calling for Bush's impeachment and assassination and try to bum cigarettes off the same people you were just harassing.

11:30 am: Lead the LaRouchies to a large classroom. Throw professor out of room. Take the microphone and loudly proclaim to 500 freshmen that you quit school to join the LaRouche movement, and they should, too. Why? Because he is truly enlightened.

1:00 pm: Migrate to new building funded by the government for mysterious purposes. Talk about biology when you don't know the difference between a mammal and a crustacean. Bring up 9/11 conspiracy again. Jump into traffic to attempt becoming an activist martyr... promptly get arrested.

3:00 pm: Get bailed out.

3:15 pm: On your way back to campus, decide to stop at City Hall and protest the Gay Marriage Amendment.

3:30 pm: Remember you're not gay. Protest anyway. Get in small-town congresswoman's face. Get carried back to campus by a horde of well-dressed men and women who look like men.

5:00 pm: Get arrested again, this time for harassing a woman in a fur coat in the campus square.

6:00 pm: Get bailed out by local PETA chapter.

6:15 pm: Agree to participate in bombing of Planned Parenthood/brand that does testing on animals/some government establishment.

6:30 pm: Realize that could put you in jail with Arnie the Ass-tickler for a long time. Remember you're not gay. Offer to have everyone come over to your place and smoke weed instead.

7:15 pm: Get munchies. Realize that your drunk roommate mistakenly ate all of your vegan food instead of his leftover steak. Start discussion about starving children in Africa.

8:00 pm: Respond "Yeah, man!" when some girl starts spouting off ideas. Note her cuteness, dreadlocks, and pungent body odor.

Yadda yadda yadda...

7:00 am: Wake up next to girl with dreadlocks. Nearly puke at smell and resolve to start showering again. Suggest a team shower. Get shunned by other activists.

7:05 am: Lock the door after all the other activists have stormed out. Go back to bed confused about future, outlook, sexuality, eating habits, God, and government.

Note: I do not condone any of the activities or beliefs listed here. This is meant to be a humorous look at the lives of the insane people we students interact with on a daily basis.